


Dave & Jade: Be The Parents

by BreedingDuties



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Babies, F/M, Fluff, General heartwarming, Kid Fic, Other, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Post-Game, parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-29
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:14:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21598987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreedingDuties/pseuds/BreedingDuties
Summary: Snippets of conversations between and of Dave and Jade, proud parentals struggling to deal with their rambunctious infant woofspawn.
Relationships: Jade Harley/Dave Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 26





	1. General Baby Cuteness

**Author's Note:**

> Two fics originally from my Tumblr. The first is an early one from before I really hashed out the child status of everyone's favorite doggirl and not-a-doggirl couple.

DAVE: sup pup 

DANA: arf! 

DAVE: yeah sure 

DAVE: hope that dog barking is just a phase 

DAVE: i mean not really against weird fetish choices 

JADE: obviously… 

DAVE: but babies and furries 

DAVE: just doesnt seem like a combination that should exist 

JADE: well uhhh 

DAVE: thats a thing isnt it 

JADE: :/ 

DAVE: god da 

DAVE: god dang it 

DAVE: welp thats decided then 

DAVE: kids dont get internet access until theyre forty 

DAVE: or until furaffinity burns to the ground 

DAVE: speaking of which 

DAVE: no making out with the spark plug 

DAVE: or making out with that 

DAVE: yeah im taking that out of your mouth too 

DAVE: jesus christ enough with the mouth stuff 

JACE: arf! 

DAVE: yeah betting you got your oral fixation from your mom 

JACE: hehe 

DAVE: ow come on really 

JADE: >:( 

DAVE: i have been dry on dick jokes for way too long and that was barely one to begin with 

DAVE: you have to give me at least one concession 

DAVE: sides they cant understand me 

JADE: they laughed at it! 

DAVE: okay no star trek guy had a rule about babies 

DAVE: main thing is that they laugh at anything if you say it in the right tone of voice 

DAVE: watch 

DAVE: communism 

DANA: ehehehe 

DAVE: see 

JADE: thats a terrible example though! everyone even babies know that communism is a total joke 

DAVE: yeah okay fair point 

DAVE: maybe they just inheirited my incredible sense of humor 

DAVE: now move over ive got an armful of baby and another armful of baby 

JADE: too late! ive claimed the couch in the name of jade 

DAVE: yeah well monarchy is over 

JADE: oh please its still a perfectly viable system of government look at england! 

DAVE: nope sorry league of nations says otherwise 

DAVE: we can divide it up evenly in a treaty 

DAVE: youll be east germany and im west germany 

JACE: hehe 

DAVE: huh maybe you do get communism jokes then 

DAVE: guess that fu 

DAVE: guess that screws my theory over 

DAVE: next matter of business 

DAVE: when did they start climbing 

JADE: why would i know? 

DAVE: well its obviously from your side of the family 

JADE: please youre the climber! 

JADE: theres been at least two times where ive found you sleeping up in places you shouldnt be! 

DAVE: sorry hard habit to kick 

DAVE: but no if the climbing was in my genes it skipped a generation 

DAVE: wouldnt be surprised if bro did it though 

DAVE: you should have seen his arms 

DAVE: looked like some sort of primate 

DAVE: pretty sure he was a stunt double for orangutans when he was younger 

DANA: bark? 

DAVE: yeah okay not with the glasses 

DAVE: sorry kiddo youve been deemed infected with being too grabby and too climby 

DAVE: youre being quarantined in the jade zone 

DAVE: aka east germany 

DAVE: here 

JADE: well hi there! welcome to the jade zone! 

JADE: oh shhh dont cry the jade zone isnt that bad! 

JADE: its not THAT close to east germany! 

DAVE: you ever think its all gonna go bad 

JADE: what? 

DAVE: all this 

DAVE: just sitting on a couch shooting the breeze about stupid random things 

DAVE: nothing trying to kill us 

DAVE: feeling like a normal familial unit 

DAVE: even if we kind of combined the 2.3 kids and a dog thing a bit 

DAVE: it just doesnt seem like we deserve it 

DAVE: or were going to pay a price 

JADE: karma isnt real dave… 

DAVE: maybe 

DAVE: but what if were doing this wrong 

DAVE: what if they end up as fucked up as we were 

DAVE: or worse what if they end up objectivists 

DAVE: i just think about it and it really worries me 

JADE: what, objectivism? 

DAVE: well that and more growing up to be like some fu 

DAVE: like a screwed up ninja parody who thinks love isnt real 

DAVE: or at least not important as running with your arms behind your back 

JADE: dave youre overreacting 

DAVE: am i 

DAVE: lets face it we really werent qualified to raise one kid even 

JADE: but nobody is! 

JADE: its like nuclear engineering… nobody is born a nuclear engineer 

JADE: the best ones are the ones who put effort into it! 

JADE: and i feel like we’re making an attempt to do it right! 

JADE: we read all the stupid online stuff 

JADE: we even read the entire star trek book series before realizing that doctor spock was a different person! 

DAVE: oh i knew i just liked kirk 

JADE: please kirk is an arrogant womanizer! give me picard any day! 

DAVE: sorry jade my fatherly instincts just tell me to keep away from a bald guy who tells you about his secret monster baby house 

JADE: like youd pass up the chance to have your kids be x-men! 

DAVE:its a tough choice but sorry safety has to come first 

JADE: see this is what i mean! 

JADE: maybe were not the best parents but… we try. 

DAVE: well what do you think kiddo 

DAVE: you gonna turn into some sort of psychopath and stab me with a dumb looking red laser sword when you grow up 

DANA: ... 

DANA: bark. 

DAVE: acceptable answer


	2. The Tail Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave calls up John with a particular problem pertaining to his pup.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: john 

TG: john 

TG: pick up egbert you have nothing to do 

EB: i was busy, what’s up? 

TG: tail 

EB: okay? 

TG: lana has a fucking tail 

EB: what like a dog tail? 

TG: yes 

TG: its all white 

EB: does it like wag and stuff? 

TG: youre missing the point john 

TG: also yes 

EB: why is this a problem. 

EB: she’s a weird dog 

EB: baby 

EB: god 

EB: thing? 

EB: anyway i mean jade has a tail so why are surprised? 

TG: what 

TG: jades just got ears 

TG: plus some other stuff i cant talk about 

TG: how have you not noticed that jade doesnt have a tail 

EB: i don’t stare at my sister’s butt! 

TG: why not 

TG: its a great ass 

TG: better now too 

TG: its like full on mom ass 

TG: like fully realized top tier 

EB: okay i’m going to change the subject away from jade’s ass. 

EB: isnt lana like a year old? 

TG: fourteen months 

EB: you can just say a year old you dumbass. 

EB: it’s just how have you not noticed this by now??? 

EB: don’t you change diapers or bathe her or anything? 

TG: hey i dont pay attention to that shit 

TG: with a baby youre more focused on trying to make sure they dont stab themselves or suddenly explode 

TG: its like having an adorable suicidal midget 

TG: there only are so many attention tokens i have to allot into my parenting specibus perk tree 

TG: looking for dog tails was not one of them 

EB: you’re like a weird freaky time god, if i were you the first thing i’d check would be for something like that. 

EB: again, WHY DID YOU ONLY NOTICE THIS NOW! 

TG: no okay that wasnt one of my weird rambling metaphors that i do 

EB: what? 

TG: i mean there is literally a parental perk tree that i have to allocate points into 

EB: huh. 

TG: yeah i know 

EB: so what you have a big metaphysical interface. 

TG: yeah 

EB: and there’s all these different bonuses? 

TG: the games never stop john 

TG: like maybe this is how most parents deal with three in the morning feedings and projectile vomit and shit 

TG: the idea that you get to level up 

TG: gamification is a true plague upon humanity 

EB: hmmm… 

TG: john do not knock up my sister or mom i swear to me 

TG: i get that youve become insecure at the realization ive kicked your ass in the dad race 

EB: okay no. 

EB: you not are not better than me when it comes to dadding! 

TG: well see i am by virtue of actually being a fucking dad 

TG: and by the fact that im going to have to maneuver a freakish mutant dogchild through the rigors of the public school system 

TG: which is my point 

TG: its hard enough explaining the ears 

TG: and going like hey preschool teacher dont let her chase cars or eat chocolate 

TG: the tail though 

TG: you cant hide that 

EB: then how did you not notice it for a year? 

EB: sorry, fourteen months. 

TG: okay fuck you

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]


End file.
